.:entries:.

Friday, March 18, 2005

didn't sleep much last night. was busy staring at the sky, though it looks so much nicer that night at the parade square. bleh. looking at stars. couldn't help but make me think. i mean, if we can be living here, why can't there be other beings out there living in their own planets, in their own galaxies? and if there are so many out there, what role do i play in everything at all? i know that with so many lives out there, sometimes it might be a little impossible to think of a purpose for each and every one. sometimes i think i might be one of the spur of a moment mistake. sometimes i just think that i have no purpose at all. some might think that having no purpose beats having a purpose which is to destroy. but i don't think so. as in, if your purpose is to destroy, your purpose is to create as well. isn't it what they all say? after every destruction is a new beginning, or something along that line. so i guess, at least you have a purpose. what about those that don't? they just exist for the sake of existing. blah. night sky's beautiful. but somehow, you don't really get to see much in singapore. we dun seem to have much of a night sky view.
been listening to wolf's rain ost a lot. they seem to make me a bit down. the songs' really sad. the melody's very haunting. but it's nice. wolf's rain's a damn insightful anime. i dunno. what if earth turns out to be something like that, maybe in the near future? maybe not. i mean, we're killing at the right pace, but our technological development isn't. maybe things might be way better if humans never existed in the first place. or maybe we are just there to destroy. but if that's the case, we won't be the one to create. what if there is paradise? do we even deserve to go there at all? maybe there are some people out there in this world that deserves to, i'm sure there are a few, but won't that create prejudice and marginalisation? maybe they will be looked up to for sometime, but that bubble will burst, sooner or later. and they might find themselves being looked down upon. but then again, aren't they in 'paradise' already? so would they still know about the feelings others have for them? what if there isn't such a thing as paradise, or reward for those that did good throughout their entire lifetime? then what's the purpose of doing good in the first place? but i'm sure there are moments where they have been selfish as well, it's an instinct to do so. bleh.
i know i'm gonna have auds soon. i know i'm gonna disappoint them again, just like how i did, time and time again. i know i shouldn't, i know i can't, but i just... i hate myself. i guess all i can do is to try my hardest and put in my all in every practices, indivs, sectionals i have, but i just can't help but feel there are much more that should be done. i have never been good at expressing myself, nor have i been good at showing my gratitude, care, concern and stuff like that. there are so many things i did that deserved much more than a simple thankyou or sorry, depending on the situation. but i just can't express myself. i'm sorry if i've been such a failure, i'm sorry if i let you down, i'm sorry that i'm just like how i am. sorry for being such a selfish and spoilt brat. sorry for being such a pampered good-for-nothing. argh. i hate it.
argh. who cares anyway, it might just be a figment of my teenage angst. it might just be a ploy to grab attention. who cares?
you know? i'm scared. i'm scared of the future, what will it be like? what if i flunk school? what if ... -touch wood- (shall not continue that train of thought) blah. what if i'm just not good enough, no matter what i do? i'm scared, i'm scared that one day, they might just say that they're tired of me, all of them. i'm scared that one day, they would just abandon me by the sidewalk, alone. sometimes i just can't stand people and want to be alone. but a person can't survive being alone all the time. it's just too sad to think about. oh man, i'm pathetic.
blah. loads of things stuck in my head nowadays. somehow, they just all keep coming back to syf. well... a bit de duh larh. buden i guess sometimes i give people the impression that i don't give a damn about things, at all. damn it. i do. syf is lyk around 28 days left. 28days later, at this exact hour, where would i b? at home or in school? crying/tears already dried/never even cry at all? heh.
sorry for the many time i've let you all down.

dusted at 7:05 PM
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