.:entries:.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

i really wonder the point of life. as in, everything's gonna end sooner or later.
i really hate her. is like, who is she to tell me what to do. who is she to lecture me on the facts of life. who is she to tell me what is unfair and what is not? for heaven's sake, she's only 8. is not as though you know what is going on out there. is not as though you know how life is like. is not as though you know anything at all. don't think that you have them backing you up and you are smaller that you can get anything you want. pls larh. i got more things, more stress than you and when i finally get a chance to relax, who are you to deny me that? i hate you, you know that? i hate your guts, your spoiltness. i just hate the fact that you are such a selfish asshole. you want them all to yourself right? you want them to only care for you right? fine, is not as if i give a damn. i bet you were real happy when i left for camp right? you want everything to yourself? have if your way then, is not as if they cared for me to begin with. i hate you. sheesh. can't believe i'm actually wasting time blogging about the likes of you. childish naiveness. you think you know it all, but you will never realise how shallow your thinkings are.
buden perhaps there was a time i was like that as well. perhaps i used to be the spoilt brat as well. i dunno. but people change and i really hope you do. if not, i really pity you. cos you will never realise how much happiness you actually brought to those that love you. you will never realise how little happiness you brought to those you have grudges against. buden, sometimes, i miss being a kid.
being a kid means that you need not have any responsibility at all. being a kid means that any troubles you face can easily be solved through tears. being a kid, means freedom. maybe that's why you are like that.
don't think i can't hear you poison. i know you're trying to turn everyone against me. i know you want to be in the centre of the attention. i know you hate people who take the limelight away from you. i know how much you hate sharing. i know how much you hate me. but why do i always get willingly deceived by your claims of care. why do i respond so much to the brief moments when you are actually laughing with me and are willing to share? i know that right after that shortlived happiness, you would turn against me again. but why do i still willingly let myself be deceived? am i that deprived?
and is not as though i belong anywhere at all. as in, i always just roam from here to there, no group that i really belong to. i'm sure the only reason they let me hang out with them was that they had no choice. is there anywhere i can really feel as if i belong? somehow, i don't think so.
i know you are tired of me. i know you tolerate me only for the sake of tolerating me. i know we were never close at all. i know you never wanted to even befriend me at all. i dunno. maybe you don't say that, buden sometimes, i just get that feeling. i know you never wanted to hang out. i know you prefer them to me. not as if i care, buden it still hurts, sometimes.
i'm sorry for dragging you into things you wanted no part of. i'm sorry for not being good enough. i'm sorry for letting you down. i'm sorry for everything. i can tell that maybe we shouldn't really be friends. i can tell that sometimes you are really very irritated, being stuck with me. were you hoping that it wasn't me some years ago? perhaps you were.
i know they all hate me for what i am. buden sometimes i really hate it too. is not by my choice that i'm like that. okay. maybe it is, buden, haven't it occured to you that i might not really like it either? i just can't stand it.
you know, i really hate you.










gosh. what a shitload of angst. enough ramblings liao. heh. found some veli nice pics of.... kamui and fuuma. esp. liked the ones where they were little kids. lol. they were soo cute. and still cant' believe what 3000 did to my dear Sadame. waaaah... the people fight until liddat and u summore use that clip for the grand grand nice nice part. how could you...
heh. i sound like i got mpd. heh. have to go now. sis is going to rat on mother and will prolly result in scolding, as usual. blah.

dusted at 10:35 PM
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